Caddy Dictionary, Golf Terms, Looper Lingo - A

ACE – (n/v) a score of '1' for a hole, also commonly called a hole-in-one.

A one timer is a great excuse to get rip-roaring drunk without any planning ahead of time.

The player who accomplishes this miraculous feat is obligated to buy "free" drinks for the group and, worse yet at times, the entire clubhouse.  Most golfers are smart enough to set up insurance plans in case a one timer comes to pass. 

Often it is merely a par, as many golfers out rightly deny ever taking a mulligan even if witnesses were present. 

They are an extreme anomaly. Many argue it is more luck than skill. 

Some of the world's greatest ball strikers remain hole-in-one virgins while inept swinging seizures have recorded accomplishing two of these miracles in one round.         

EX: That son of a bitch got lucky, he aced a short muni’ par four and brags about it every time we play.

ADDRESS – (n/v) the position taken by a player before they begin their stroke.

This is the time when you can silently jinx, maloik, or ridicule the player with quiet gestures, remarks, or by making funny faces to one another behind the player's back.

EX: Addressing his ball with unease and discomfort, it was a safe bet the guy was not a golfer, but simply a chop.

AGGREGATE – (n) the total score/time taken over more than one round of golf.

ANSE x TMS x NRE = CaddieDigest's Torture Aggregate

Accumulative Number of Stokes Endured (ANSE) in a round X Total Minutes Suffered (TMS) X Number of Rounds Endured.

    

After a typical two, three, or even four-day tournament… the average chop swears off golf only to relapse weeks later.

EX: For a par 72 the official aggregate score of even par for a four-day tournament would be 288, while the CaddieDigest.com aggregate score would look more like 125,400 (95 strokes per day X 330 minute median to trudge around the track X 4 grueling days of tournament torture).

AIM – (n/v) the direction to where the target lies or where one intends the ball to go.

For chops this has nothing to do with where the ball goes. The majority of times the target they select is not only ill advised but dangerous.

EX: Watch out, most golfers have not a clue of their aim nor intent.

ALBATROSS – (n) a hole completed three strokes under par.  AKA – Double Eagle

They are threatened with extinction and they are reserved for true bad-asses only.

EX: Only an excaddie would have nerve and greed enough to capture their own albatross and pull the trigger on a shot heard round the world.

ALL ANIMAL TEAM – (n) every club has at least a fantasy foursome of creature look-a-likes. 

They run the gambit between frog-mans, bird-ladies, pig-nose, chicken-head, ratfink, fisheye, and scarecrow look-alikes.  Naming a pair of amphibious or reptilian-like loopers to work the club's team is usually imaginative icing on the cake.   

EX: Through the combination of his red pig snout, sly snakehead, and t-rex torso attached to two chicken leg arms – for an unprecedented 5th straight summer, Mr. Nick Vickory is the club's all animal team captain.

ALL FREAK TEAM – (n) every club has at least a foursome of malformed players. 

Whether it be from cock-eyed stares, quivering hands, missing voice boxes, pockmarked grills, weird breathing noises, deformation, surgical amputation, war wounds, or just plain scary features, NO golf course is without hair-raising "people" present. 

To conjure four oddities swinging and two toothless vagabonds working under them, well that's a gimmie at a large golf club.    

EX: The all freak team loop will be diveded between Larry Pet-Shaver and Jim Claw-hand.

ALL SQUARE – (adj) occurs in match play when both players (or teams) are tied and have won the same amount of holes.

Don’t be fooled, there is no such thing as a tie.  Someone is always being shat upon, probably the caddie.

EX: In amateur match play tournaments, especially when caddies work for players, the words “all square” are enemy number one.

    

ANGLE OF APPROACH – (n) the angle the club head strikes the golf ball, determines trajectory, spin, curvature, launch angle, etc. Not to be confused with the manner in which one approaches the opposite sex. 

That’s right, contrary to chop delusion; the golf ball's flight and direction is actually based in physics.

Also contrary to chop belief, buying a woman anything in the first go-rounds of familiarity achieves the exact opposite of what said chops’ intentions (exemptions to this fact are whores, prostitutes, and gold-diggers).

EX: His angle of approach was a bit too over the top, subsequently he pulled his shot by breaking out his wallet.

APPROACH – (n) a stroke attempting to reach the putting green. 

It's rarely accomplished in one fail swoop.  Smooth foreplay is needed before any up and down.  One may resort to bump and running to get the job done, just beware of the laws in your state. 

EX: His approach technique was ill advised and as a result he almost lost his ball(s).

APRON – (n) the final few yards of fairway before and around the green.  Commonly referred to as the "fringe".

 

Greenskeepers love over-watering these areas keeping 'em soft and soggy to piss off weak elder members who can't get it up any more.

EX: I like running it up the right side of the apron, through the chute avoiding the bunkers. 

ATTEND THE FLAGSTICK – (v) to bear and remove the flagstick for someone.

In 1968 the USGA introduced the barbarous rule requiring the flagstick’s removal for strokes played from the putting surface. 

You’d think we could design a slimmer golf pin and leave it to rest.  Perhaps one that would receive accurate incoming shots and all putts of decent pace. 

Why give players a better target (increase their chances of holing out) when you could have a caddie to yell at when you miss?  Why alleviate having to remove the flagstick when loopers fetch ‘em like dogs?      

EX: A player’s request of attendance to the flagstick is ritualistic torture for a golf caddie. 

AWAY – (adj.) the player farthest from the hole supposedly has the right of way. 

Many times players dawdle around and don't pay attention.  Blow a tiny whistle, voice a "hey!" or a head nod, that usually gets them right back on track.

EX: Who’s away?

    You are Dick!

    Well how would I know with you all the way over there?!

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Caddy Dictionary, Golf Terms, Looper Lingo - G

GARBAGE - (n/adj) a lucky shot which somehow works out, a substandard golf shot or performance.

Every human has times when they don’t perform as well as they would like.  This is an easy way of pinpointing such moments.

EX: A choke artist customarily saves their highest-grade garbage golf shots for when their performance is depended upon most. 

GEEKED - (n/v) weed, to smoke weed.

Moderation is key for these days one puff is enough, especially in California.

EX: Some players appreciate it when a caddie gets ‘em geeked.

GET OUT OF JAIL FREE BALL – (n) an exact brand and numbered golf ball slyly introduced to avoid penalty strokes.

A high-risk reward con usually executed by loopers for the benefit of themselves and perhaps their player.  

High Risk - get caught, you probably lose your job.


High Reward - you get to stop looking aimlessly for that chops golf ball, no penalty strokes.

EX: Get out of jail free balls can save time, money, penalty strokes, and your sanity... but used incorrectly, it could cost you your job.

GIMME – (n) a putt so close to hole that it is conceded, also known as cheating.
Don't you dare stick your putter head in the hole, who cares if the putt is "within the leather".  Just tap it in and stop cheating.

EX: When a man is a consistent choke artist, there is no such thing as a gimme putt.

GOLD BOND - (n) the powder with the power to kill crotch rot and trench foot.

All loopers must steadfastly fend off trench foot and crotch rot.  The hotter the climate or the more you are forced to hoof it, well the more of this 'walking on air medicine' you're gonna need. 

Medicated Powder is good.  Extra Strength Medicated Powder is better.  Maximum Strength Athlete's Foot Powder, you are the man!


Nothing is too strong in the quest to cure crotch rot.

EX: Whew it’s fu*king sweaty - give me my Gold Bonds.

GOLDEN TEE - (n) arcade golf video game, the most successful coin operated video game in the history of mankind.

The inception on the Golden Tee virtual golf video game unit began in 1989.  It is now in over 12 countries with over 100,000 units typically found in bars and pubs.

This invention is an obvious cash cow and a great distraction for golf and video game nerds who tend to have difficulty talking to woman in speakeasies the world over.

EX: Golden Tee champions are jake.

GOOF - (n/adj) derogatory, racist term for blacks.

Stems from the rowdy behavior of large packs of black people moroding through white movie theaters, malls, etc.  Racists can also use the n-bomb or refer to said goofs as charcs.

EX: Yeah whitey, me and my crew up in this piece, time to get goofy!

GRASS TYPE – (n) Bermuda, Poana, Bent, and Rye to name a few strains of grass on golf courses. 

There is nothing deadlier than a buried ball in Kikuyu (aka steel wool). 


There is nothing nicer than bent grass fairways and greens, except maybe sun and 70 degrees in January (south FL/CA).

EX: No grass type is more baffling on the golf greens than Plinko-like poana (Plinko game from The Price Is Right).

GRINDER - (n) someone who works super hard regardless of pain or boredom.

This is not just a word used in golf.  Many times it’s derogatory and aimed at someone who needs to relax.

EX:  All right, I heard you the first four times, grinder.

GROUND UNDER REPAIR – (n) areas of the golf course that are marked by white circles of paint giving free relief to players within their boundaries. 

Nothing in life is truly free and the Superintendent’s shortcomings are no different.  


Although no stroke penalties are incurred, these free drop zones and their unsightly vistas are more ammo for a complaining chop to shoot his mouth off with.  Ignore that moron, give him a club and walk away.

EX: Many municipal "golf" courses should be considered one large ground under repair. 

GRIP – (n/v) it can refer to either the handle of a golf club or the actual manner in which a player positions his hands on the club itself. 

There are three typical grip methods used: interlock, overlap, and the chop’s favorite - the 10-finger baseball grip.  Note to loopers: if your player has a bad grip forget about ever witnessing them pull off a good shot.

About 50 years ago the handle of a golf club was never to be touched by any servant/caddie.  You think that’s bad, look up Jam Boy. 

EX: Tiger Woods rocks an interlock grip but the majority of pros use the overlap method.

GROSS – (n) the amount of strokes reportedly taken without the fraudulent handicap index involved. 

This does not include cheating mulligans off the first tee, the whiffs the player pawned off as practice swings, the conscious omitting of penalty strokes, and ultimately the crooked concessions of putts to oneself and or other's throughout the golf round.


It is simple. Every stroke counts, low man wins the gross.

EX: We'll win the gross, leave the net for the chops and sandbaggers!

Caddy Dictionary, Lingo, & Golf Terms Defined - S

SANDBAGGER - (n) a player who underestimates their golfing ability, they tend to carry bloated handicap indexes helping them win tournaments and bets.

One of the most hated, feared, and (depending on how charming their cheating tactics are) admired golfers.

These cheaters are buzz saws in tournament play and can be spotted consistently missing inconsequential putts or loafing on holes in which there is little consequence.

EX: True sandbaggers have a keen sense of when to turn their games on and off.

SAND TRAP – (n) also called a bunker, trap, sand bunker, bunker dix, or sandy cox. They are deemed a hazard meaning you cannot ground your club in them.
Of course bunker dix aren't bad so long as you don't fetch a fried egg, down hill lie, or catch sand in your face on the follow through with a strong head wind.

Almost every looper agrees with the great Harvey Penick. We should at once banish raking these things, sand bunkers should go back to being true hazards, all rakes be damned.

EX: Ratóns sometimes get tossed into sand traps after getting laked if they continue to smart off to their looping elders.

SAND WEDGE – (n) 56 degree golf club used for high lofted shots or getting out of bunkers.
Keep these out of you chops hands if the texas wedge is an option.

EX: An illegal spin doctor sand wedge provides for hours of entertainment around the greens.

SANDWICH BOMB – (n) the trick of applying sand to the base of a flagstick.
If performed correctly, withdrawing the flagstick post-sand application is next to impossible. Many times the increased effort to yank the flagstick loose will cause the entire cup to be unearthed.

EX: Post thunderstorm loopage is primetime for dipping flagsticks into wet traps, planting sandwich bombs for the unsuspecting caddies behind you.

SCRAMBLIZED - (v/adj) a team game usually reserved for golf outings, where the best shot of the group is used.

This is the ONLY way any golf outing should ever be played. Shambles and any other group golf tournament formats should be outlawed, banned for the betterment of everyone.

EX: Some forecaddies get foot loose when the format is scramblized.

SCRATCH GOLFER - (n/adj) supposedly an expert golfer who shoots par or better, the claim of having a 0, +1, +2, etc. handicap.

Anybody laying claim to be a scratch golfer probably is not. True ice men don't have handicaps, they let their golf shots collect their trophies, checks, and respect.

EX: People who claim to be scratch golfers tend to shoot in the high seventies, those who shoot par or better only use the term handicap in reference to mentally or physically challenged folks.

SERVE OUT – (n/v) over doing it, someone who exhibits dork-like over-exuberance, knowledge, or passion for a certain thing.
In life – you name it – there’s a serve out: Star Wars, Dungeons and Dragons, Weight Lifting, Useless Sports Knowledge, Fashion, Movies, Mindless Pop-culture Awareness, Video Games, Cars, Nutrition, Weed, Languages, Wine, Harry Potter, Conspiracy Theories, Yoga, and Legos… it seems there is not one topic which is out of bounds.

When discussing serve outs, this all time classic MTV documentary on video game serves comes to mind:

EX: Too much of anything is not a good thing furthermore overdoing one’s time spent on any one thing leads one to being deemed a serve out.

SHAMBLE – (n) a modified scramble where chops elect the best drive and play the hole out individually from there.

It was brought about through a nihilistic movement of those enjoying painful golf outings with coworkers, clients, etc.

EX: A golf outing with a shamble format equals a 6 hour death march.

SHANK – (n/v) produced when one strikes the golf ball hosel first, it is perhaps the ugliest and deadliest shot in all golf.

It's best not to say this word out loud on a golf course.

EX: Dangerous to one's score and other's safety, shanks are no laughing matter.

SHOOT YOUR AGE – (v) shooting a golf score lower than or matching one's age in years.

Any senior player who achieves this feat on a standard length 18 hole golf track should be regaled for physically standing the test of time.

EX: Old man Jenson shot his age with a smoking 88, bettering his years on earth by a count of four!

SHUCK AND JIVE - (v) look as if your hands are full at all times.

Reply "Yes Maser" always, even if you never intend to do what they ask of you.

EX: A clever looper can shuck and jive their way out of doing their job any time anywhere.

SIT – (v) a command for the golf ball to stop.
Just like a dog, it hardly ever listens.

EX: Get down ball, sit!

SKULL – (adj/v) a dramatic thinly hit golf shot producing laser like worm burning results.
Caused by striking the golf ball with the leading edge of the club as opposed to the clubface.  

EX: I skulled my shot out of the bunker, clear out of bounds.

SLICE - (n/v) a shot when hit by a right hander that curves severely from left to right, vice versa for lefties.

It is also referred to lightly as a banana ball; but there is nothing cute nor nutritious about this most common of mishits. Unless it was planned beforehand or called upon to escape oneself from a tight jam, there is no excuse for such an ugly pathetic waste of energy.

Common causes are due to an open clubface at impact, outside to inside swing paths, or not releasing the golf club itself.

EX: A slice is the most common problem shot for chops when learning the game of golf.

SLIP – (n/v) a tip / to tip.

The more discretion and private a tip is executed - the better for all parties involved.

Caddies with brains and members with balls know never to discuss compensation with outside parties.

EX: The free loading guest who has not the class to slip should be blackballed by any self-respecting looper.

SLIPPAGE - (n) a tip from any guest(s) served.

Some of the worst acting in the world occurs on golf courses at the end of rounds when classless guests cop phony offers to their member host to pay for the caddies or when a guest "tries" to tip a caddie while consciously making a scene in front of everyone and their mother.

The bottom line is this, true macs don’t have to ask anybody. They compensate player to caddie, with large bills privately, paying gratitude with class and cash.

EX: The player that comes with the strongest slippage can be excused by their caddie for many a mishap.

SLUGFEST – (n) a sucky loop or event in one’s day.

Just conjure a tommy gun pumping you in the chest full of hot slugs – pop pop pop pop pop pop pop reload pop pop pop pop pop pop reload pop pop pop pop. 
Well, you get the brutal concept:

EX: Taking part in any mixed play shotgun event is like accepting an invitation to an all day slugfest in rolling green fields of execution.

SNAKE CHARMER - (n) any golfer extremely talented with the flat stick.

Long far away putts that drop can be followed by the classic snake charm salute, "da na na na na - da na na na na na na".

EX: Chops who suffer from the yips have usually been snake bitten one time too many, conversely the greatest rollers of the golf ball, those who consistently drain ox and or drop putts, these players may be deemed snake charmers.

SNAP HOOK – (n/v) for a right hander, a ball which turns violently from right to left. This is the most hideous of hook shots.  Also referred to as a duck hook.

EX: The wee ice man, Ben Hogan, detested and fought against the snap hook his entire career. 

SNOWMAN – (n) a score of an 8 for a hole.

Refers to the rotundly shape of the number eight.  Not a good score ever, anywhere.

EX: I'm not gonna break 100 today, I made to many snowmans on the back nine. 

SPACESHIP - (n/adj) an unusually large clubhead, most often in reference to putters.                       

The Futura by Scotty Cameron comes to mind. Proof that once you have your name brand out there, you can release a hideous, yet comical looking club and even more chops will come clamoring, paying out top duck-eye premiums (msrp - manufacturers suggested retail price) for the latest "greatest" thing.  Retarded.

  =  

EX: The no slip PC I had in yesterday's slugfest insisted the head cover be kept on his spaceship putter at all times.     Credit to Jimmy P

SPEARZO – (n/v) a golf shot that lands directly in the hole.

Refers to Cleveland's own Patrick Spearzo, he who aced a Locust Grove par 3 on the fly.  Though not exclusively used for a hole in one, the word particularly refers to knocking a golf shot straight in, no bounce, no roll, boom drain-ox. 

EX: Watch caddy shack of fame member Miguel Angel Jimenez spearzo his golf shot.

SPLITAGE – (n) the splitting of tips between two or more loopers.

This agreement generally works if your caddieyard has some semblance of solidarity. This is almost an unspoken rule amongst respectable caddies.

As for the scummy yards that have long been divided and conquered – forget it. Sadly in such an environment, it’s every man for himself.

The one exception to this rule is if your caddie counterpart is not properly fulfilling their mandate, if this is the case any and all tips belong in your pocket.

EX: If your yard lacks men who respect the rule of splitage you may want to find another club to work at.

STANCE - (n) the style or position of one's feet at the time of address.

The common advice is to make like you are playing defense in basketball. For most chops attaining this athletic posture is next to impossible.

EX: If a player seeks to draw or hook a shot, closing one's stance will help to create an inside out swing path.

STROKE - (n/v) the forward movement of the club made with intent of striking the ball. It also may refer to the back and forth movement of a player's putter.

Thanks to erasers on scoring pencils they are disappearing. Also always remember, it's not a stroke unless you actually admit to it.

EX: In golf the player with the least amount of strokes wins.

STROKE PLAY - (n) the competition in which results are determined by the number of admitted strokes played.

Not to be confused with match play.

EX: Most tournaments competitions are decided using the stroke play format, the winner has the least strokes totaled.

STYMIE – (n/v) an old archaic rule in match play, on the putting surface, when an opponent's ball sat on a direct line between the cup and the ball in play, hindering a clear path to the hole.

It had to be more than six inches apart. The rule was outlawed in 1952.

EX: Stymied, he had little choice but to try and chip over his opponents ball.

SUPER LOOPER - (n) the alpha caddie of the yard.

These guys are usually grizzled vets who won't hesitate to throw a fellow looper under a moving bus to attain what they want.

EX: The standard super looper of a yard wrangles the crispest bags, turns an estimated 300 choice loops a year while raking in the highest average pull per round.

SWEAT BATH - (n) describes a hot and typically humid round of golf.

Grab your Gold Bonds, guzzle vats of water, and do anything you can to avoid carrying a golf bag on these days.

EX: Early August is high season for sweat baths in North America.

SWEATY - (adj) something sexually arousing or having lots of sex appeal.

This has nothing to do with the temperature and everything to do with animalistic attraction and sexiness.

EX: I can't help it, every time she comes around I get sweaty with a case of nonstop semi's!

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