Player Manual

CaddyDigest Player Manual 

An Introduction to Playing Golf

To the uninitiated a golf course simply looks like good land spoiled.   

Others claim golf to be the ruin of a good walk.

Why people dare spend so much time and money on golf?  

A conundrum indeed.  

There is a myriad of reasons and rationalizations why one would pay to play golf.  


Number one on the list should always be fun. 

That is right stiffs, all boredom be damned.

What is with the goofy golf etiquette?

Yes it is true - golf’s etiquette seems useless and stuffy.  

The clothes, the clubs, the private this, the exclusive that... golf stiffs have spent hundreds of years and billions of dollars to establish that golf and privilege go hand in hand. 

But you like golf?  You are not a stiff, are you?  

This is confirmation.  You are no square. You wouldn’t be reading CaddyDigest if you were lame and lifeless.  Our mission is to knock the “stiff” out of golf.  To succeed in our quest we will need your help!

In the coming weeks and months we will be expanding CaddyDigest's Player Manual.  

If you haven't yet begun playing golf, think again!  You could save yourself time, money, and anguish by never starting. 

If you have foolishly acquired the habit of hitting white golf balls around manicured plots of wasted arable land, by all means read onward.

These documents will never offer tips or advice on how to actually perform or play better golf in a technical sense.  If you seek golf instruction simply contact your local robotic PGA teaching pro, they will be happy to take your cash.   

What we offer you is a plethora of insider information offering you a competitive advantage.  With CaddyDigest's Player Manual you will gain an edge, you may even garner yourself some respect.  Who knows?! People may even end up wanting to carry your golf bag.

Whether you are a beginning chop, an average golfer, or a seasoned pro-doe, the following information will be extremely valuable to your game and more importantly your perspective. 

CaddyDigest – Golf Etiquette

If you don’t know what you are doing on a golf course, get off.  Not understanding golf’s protocols can get you killed.

Thoughtlessness is the true culprit of golf etiquette.  Being conscious of your surroundings and whom you are playing with is paramount.

Please don’t bother…

If you like unsolicited advice, taking multiple practice-swings, mid-round mulligans, day dreams, cell phones, fishing for water logged balls, complaining, long preshot routines, etc… there are many wonderful golf video games you can play – televised golf tournaments you may watch – and fantasy golf leagues you can join!   

You are welcome to tee it up…

• When you understand that being ready to play is more important than how you play.

• Know that mulligans are for the first tee alone (if you are playing in a charity golf scramble and your caddie sells you or your group mulligans, chances are the proceeds will be directly dispersed to that specific caddie’s relief fund).

• Understand that putting lines are a nightmare to keep track of, walk gingerly on greens. 

• Know neither to receive nor give any advice. 

• Comprehend that 1 practice swing is suffice for its utmost value is to forewarn your shot, an upcoming attempt. 

• He who makes replaces their divot. 

• Cell phones are to be left in your car or locker (if you are awaiting a business call, stay in the office).  

• Whispers are for cowards. 

• Bunkers are your duty. 

• Jingling coins in ones pocket is for fog-i-son-jensons only. 

Bottom Line:

A round of golf tells sh*t tons about anyone.  

How you act is more important than how you play.  

Your patience, temperament, respect for the rules and others, how you respond to adversity and challenge, these factors are all significant.  

What’s of the utmost importance in golf etiquette is that you are enjoyable to be around.  Golf is supposed to be fun; if you don’t know how to have fun stop reading this manual and swear golf off forever. 

If you cracked a smile or 2 then stick around… “Dressing to Play” is next!   

    

Dressing to Play

Before you set off to play a round of golf, you will have to decide what to wear.  It is critical to understand what clothing choices are appropriate.  Let’s examine some absolute no goes regardless of when, where, and with whom you are playing with:

Click here to see the Babe Ruth of golf 

banging it deep, shirtless and zeeking!

You will want to avoid wearing jeans or denim of any kind, high top kicks, wife beaters, short shorts, swimwear, jogging shorts, bandanas, sandals, sweat suits, t-shirts, sports jerseys, and or flannels.

Men – even if the climate you play in is hot and humid, spare the world from having to see your tree trunks shuffling for hours on end.  Understand that shorts are for ladies and little boys.  Light cotton / linen pants are the answer to heat.


Now if you are the “Babe Ruth” of golf then all aforementioned dress code rules are off, the babe rocks whatever gear he so chooses.

Hey Barry Soetoro, Puppet Obama, Barackman Sachs... ah whatever your fu*king name is, take a note from the babe.  Put your pants on!

Women – there is a plethora of form fitting sporty golf clothing to choose from. Beware for if you have a nice figure, and the more brazen your choice in golf attire is, the more angry unattractive women whom will bitch and complain about whatever hateful thing they can think of.


The nerve showing that much skin! 

                                                

Yeah, clear those hips baby doll!  
Miss Maria Verchenova = Nícen Golfer

Many women enjoy golf with the service of a caddy.  

Lots of ladies also revel in acting caddy too.

Your choice of golf attire – for the most part - is up to you. 


Just always know, on a golf course judgment is ever vigil. It's best to refrain from both dressing and or acting like a piece of T.

< This Video's Laugh Track is on Point >

Stay tuned, “Preparing to Play” is next!

  

Preparing to Play Golf

Finally the day is upon us, it’s time to go and hit the golf ball around the park.  Pumped!

On your drive to the golf course you are going to want to do some advance mental imaging. In your mind’s eye, it is the time to picture your incredible upcoming round of golf.

See yourself, in slow motion, pulling up to the smiling valet.  Your ride looks rather regal, another hand carwash upcoming.  

No need to open the door, Carlos has got it. 

Slide your way to the plush locker room as the birds chirp to your arrival.  Upon reaching your designated cabinet you realize your next locker neighbor is Jack Nicholson.  Not bad Mr. Bel Air CC.  

Go ahead, crack Jack's locker, check his stash, nobody is looking.

After tying up you wingtips, you realize your lacking some balls.  Next stop – pro shop.

PGA Robot:  Good morning Mr. ______!  How are you?

You:   Pro V red’s.

PGA Robot:  Comp sleeve on the house.  We live to fear you sir.

You:  Shut up, get my bag to the range.

PGA Robot:  Certainly sir.  Right away sir.

You: When I get to the first tee, it’s mine, clear the deck.  And I want the best looper ya got.

PGA Robot:  Sir, yes sir!

Onwards to the range you go:

Peeling the tip-top rock from the pyramid, you strike that first golf ball so squarely you hardly feel recoil.  Instantaneously you recall that beating rocks is a trivial pursuit of the masses.  Why bother!  Your swing’s as sound as a golden bell. 

Carlos takes the club from your hand and whisks you away to the first tee.  There you rendezvous with your triple threat of playing partners:

There names not important… what is of utter fu*king importance is that you got the best looper and you are teeing off without having to wait one g*damn second longer than you cared to.

CRISP!

Whack, deep-you-luss, high sexy fade, straight away, 300+ yards, center cut, all jock.  

YOU GOT THE YARD'S BEST LOOPER  

The best looper of the yard takes your driver with a smile digging his day’s assignment:

Being your comedic well paid mule and a 1^st hand witness to this, your unfolding round of ice capades, perfect golf shots, snake charming Draino’s, and one putts.

Poof – Back to Reality!

Chances are high you are on your way to your local muni – probably without a tee time – hoping your playing partners didn’t hit the snooze button and that the wait for the first tee isn’t as long as the span between the last time you got the chance to play.


Pulling into the parking lot, you are in luck!

Your favorite sniper spot remains free thanks in large part to the dumpster that helps hide it.  Pop the trunk and unveil the precision instruments you plan to carve the course with.  


No time for locker rooms, slap on your golf kicks right then and there, get on with the show.

As you make your way to the pro shop avoid eye contact with any and all helpers or sycophants.  On a muni you almost always on your own – there is no market for help - service is sin and conmen are the norm not the exception.  

 OR

Ride or walk? 

Do I look handicapped to you?!  


Walk - so long as your lazy playing partners agree to drive your golf bag around strapped to their 4-wheel benches.  If you aren’t afforded the luxury of lazy golf partners make certain you don’t choke when it comes time to purchase your next golf bag (see Ping for the best). 

If the course you’re playing offers caddies - show some class and hire one.  If the course you’re playing offers pull carts, laugh in their face.

Warming Up

If the golf course has a range with real grass, go ahead knock twenty or so balls to get a feel for the day’s swing.  


If they only offer Astroturf mats forget it for this would be a ruin of feel and a waste of energy. 

Get to the practice putting area immediately for on the greens is where your bread will be made and or lost.

Your final clearance to begin play will usually come via the course’s stazi starter.  Once your name is checked from their hit list, the blood bath may commence.

Stay tuned, up next, a bit about “Your Caddy”!