Player Manual - Preparing to Play - Volume 4

Preparing to Play Golf

Finally the day is upon us. It’s time to go and hit the golf ball around the park. Pumped!

On your drive to the golf course you are going to want to do some advance mental imaging. In your mind’s eye, it is the time to picture your incredible upcoming round of golf.

See yourself, in slow motion, pulling up to the smiling valet.  Your ride looks rather regal, another hand carwash upcoming.  

No need to open the door, Carlos has got it. 

Slide your way to the plush locker room as the birds chirp to your arrival.  

Upon reaching your designated cabinet you realize your next-locker neighbor is Jack Nicholson.  

Not bad Mr. Bel Air C.C.  

Go ahead, crack Jack's locker, check his stash, nobody's looking.

After tying up you wingtips, you realize your lacking some balls.  Next stop – pro shop.

PGA Robot: Good morning Mr. __(your last name)__!  How are you this morning?

You: Pro V red’s.

PGA Robot: Comp sleeve on the house.  We live to fear you sir.

You: Shut up, get my bag to the range.

PGA Robot: Certainly sir. Right away sir.

You: When I get to the first tee, it’s mine, clear the deck. And I want the best looper you got.

PGA Robot: Sir, yes sir!


To the driving range you teleport:

Peeling the tip-top rock from the pyramid, you strike that first golf ball so squarely you hardly feel recoil.  

Instantaneously you recall that beating rocks is a trivial pursuit of the masses. Why bother!? 

Your swing is as sound as a golden bell. 

Carlos humbly takes the golf club from your hand and whisks you away to the 1st tee.  

There you rendezvous with your triple threat of playing partners:

There names not important… what is of utter fu*king importance is that you got the best caddy and you are teeing off without having to wait one g*damn second longer than you care to.

CRISP!

Whack, deep-u-luss, high sexy fade, straight away, 300+ yards, center cut, all jock.  

The yard's most astute looper receives your driver with a smile digging his day’s assignment:

Being your comedic well paid mule and a 1^st hand witness to this, your unfolding round of ice capading perfect golf shots, snake charming Draino’s, and one putts.

Poof – Back to Reality!

Chances are high you are on your way to your local muni' – probably without a tee time – hoping your playing partners didn’t hit the snooze button and that the wait for the first tee isn’t as long as the span between the last time you got the chance to play.


Pull into the parking lot, you're in luck!

Your sniper spot remains free thanks in large part to the greasy dumpsters cluttering the oily pavement.  

Pop the trunk to unveil the precision instruments you plan to carve the course with.  


No time for locker rooms, slap on your golf kicks right then and there, get on with the show.

Make your way to the pro shop, forget about a fruitless search for friendly staff. 

On a public golf course you are almost always on your own – there's no market for help - service is sin. 

 OR

Ride or walk? 

Do I look handicapped to you!?  


Walk, so long as your lazy playing partners agree to drive your golf bag around strapped to their motorized 4-wheel benches.  

If you aren’t afforded the luxury of lazy golf partners make certain you don’t choke when it comes time to purchase your next golf bag (see Ping for the best). 

If the course you’re playing offers caddies, show some class and hire one. 

If the track you’re playing offers pull carts, laugh in their face and carry your own bag like a man.

Warming Up

If this muni' somehow miraculously maintains a driving range with real grass, go ahead knock 20 or so balls to get a feel for the day’s swing.  


If they only offer Astroturf mats forget it. Concrete ball-striking is a tendon devastator and ruiner of feel. 

Get to the practice putting area immediately for the greens are where your bread will be made or lost.

Your final clearance to begin play will usually come via the course’s stazi starter.

Once your name is checked off from their hit list, the blood bath may commence.

Stay tuned, up next, a bit about “Your Caddy”!