A CADDY’S TOOLS
Every job has necessary tools, looping is no different.
1st You will need a towel to keep yourself clean:
The amount of dirt and filth you're going to encounter on the course is appalling. A 20" x 40" spotless white cotton towel is the only thing you should ever handle!
Always take the freshest white towels from the club locker room or pool, if time permits, be sure to check out the memberships’ daughter talent pool.
If the club requires that you bring a towel from home, present the filthiest shred of cloth you can find, the moment your player breaks a bead of sweat - offer him your dirt rag claiming how expensive doing one's laundry can be these days.
If the club doesn't provide water buckets on the course be sure to spit shine every piece of filthy golf equipment your player hands you. If these golfers have any standards of hygiene, much of your workload may be relieved.
2nd Never carry a ball marker, a divot repair tool, nor mark any golf ball anywhere:
Never lug divot tools nor fix any impact mark on any green. This is the player’s job - you got your hands full.
If time allows, wait until the final putt is made and as the group is exiting the green, audibly declare which unconscious player didn’t fix their impact crater.
3rd A smart caddie doesn’t dare carry razor sharp pencils or tees in their pocket:
To stand on a golf course amongst these chops is hazardous enough. Why dare risk thigh, chest, or buttock puncture wounds?
4th You had better have a comfortable pair of caddie kicks:
It is true, as a caddy you will never walk more in your life. Don’t be caught dead wearing golf shoes or anything that looks like a sandal. Fresh white tennies are the only way to go. If you toil in a rainy climate get some galoshes or back up Gore-Tex® kicks.
In general, proper rain gear is not something you should concern yourself with. The instant a drop of rain falls, the golf round should be over - no ifs, ands, nor buts.
It always helps to pre-round interview potential players by explicitly questioning them about their personal “Rain/Mist Policy”?
While on the course, if you ever hear anything even resembling the echo of thunder or perhaps you witness trace gleams or electric flashes - drop every metal death rod immediately and run like hell for shelter!
THE CADDIE UNIFORM - THE TOOLS OF OPPRESSION - EXHIBITS ALPHA / BETA ABOVE
5th Never pay for any required caddy uniform:
If the club is not willing to clean mandated uniforms daily do not submit to them. Abstain from purchasing any things they tell you to.
Never forget the simple fact:
THEY have Money - YOU YOUNG CADDIE, YOU DO NOT!
Please Stay Tuned for Getting Started is Next!
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