Caddie Manual - Getting Your Round Started - Volume 6

GETTING YOUR ROUND STARTED AS A CADDY

You’ll probably want to ignore your Caddiemaster on when you should check in or where you should wait for your day's loopage.  It’s best you only appear minutes before things get busy, then just stick your face in everything and everywhere. 

If things are slow, lifelong loopers will resort to bootjack loops by feasting on arriving players in the parking lot.  The instant a golfer surfaces from their vehicle, they are assaulted for their golf bag, tee time, and playing partner information.  This method of finding work is for dead-end lifer caddies only.  Only scum resort to this method of attaining loops. You dear looper, you must abstain from conducting like utter T.

When the Caddiemaster tries to give you an assignment, investigate whether the bag really exists.  By chance you actually accept the job, be sure to confirm if the player has been sighted on premise walking under his or her own power.  Adjust the carrying strap and wrangle that cumbersome bag onto the nearest golf cart.  Count the clubs in the bag, if any player has more than 14 clubs, forfeit the job at once.

Don't arrange the player's clubs.  You are not their mom!  

If the pig of a player doesn't keep their sticks in order don't waste an instant trying to make sense of their mess.  

If the player is rude enough to arrive with dirty clubs, refrain from cleaning any mess that pig makes throughout the round.  Little piggy players need tough love!

Any driver and putter headcovers should be abolished for any round you work, never acquiesce to fondling either of these ridiculous club headcovers. 

If the player has iron covers, self-inflict booting it and get out of working that loop.  Seriously, 5 seconds of vomiting pain is better than working an iron covered bag:

If the custom at your club is to carry putters, or in other words, to handcuff caddies with cart riding player's putters, simply do not submit.  


This stupid custom came about as a way for caddy's to trick cart riding players into believing they were better served by the looper. The truth is, this custom is a waste of precious time, resources, and energy. 


It is your looping duty to retrain inefficient players to carry their own damn putters.  There's plenty of other work to do besides needlessly batton-ing putters 18 times a round with each chop in the playing group.

A general rule of loopage, one you should forever subscribe to, is just how much you have your hands full. You are never to carry accessories like scorecards, pencils, golf tees, ball markers, divot sanders, and or divot tools – nada, nothing extra. Simply come strapped with a clean towel to fend off the golfer's filth!

Never commit your player's name to memory.  If you need to get their attention use steely eye contact, firmly say 'HEY', or make clicking noises with your tongue.  

It is the player who must break any and all eye contact made. If they piss you off, mispronounce whatever the bag tag claims their names to be. 

When the round is about to begin always wait until you actually HAVE to say hello.  


If you can, avoid giving them your real name.  


Sometimes they'll even try and get a handshake out of you.  Don't be fooled!

Your player may want to warm up on the range or “roll a few” on the practice green prior to the beginning of the round.  Screw them, they can go toil on their own, you shouldn't be anywhere near that bag until the 1st tee is clear.

When the 1st tee is free, the torment can commence.

Please Stay Tuned - “The 1^st Tee” is next!

Caddie Manual - A Caddy's Tools - Volume 5

A CADDY’S TOOLS

Every job has necessary tools, looping is no different.

1^st You will need a towel to keep yourself clean:

The amount of dirt and filth you're going to encounter on the course is appalling.  A 20" x 40" spotless white cotton towel is the only thing you should ever handle!  

Always take the freshest white towels from the club locker room or pool, if time permits, be sure to check out the memberships’ daughter talent pool.

If the club requires that you bring a towel from home, present the filthiest shred of cloth you can find, the moment your player breaks a bead of sweat - offer him your dirt rag claiming how expensive doing one's laundry can be these days.  

If the club doesn't provide water buckets on the course be sure to spit shine every piece of filthy golf equipment your player hands you.  If these golfers have any standards of hygiene, much of your workload may be relieved.

2^nd Never carry a ball marker, a divot repair tool, nor mark any golf ball anywhere:  

Never lug divot tools nor fix any impact mark on any green.  This is the player’s job - you got your hands full.  

If time allows, wait until the final putt is made and as the group is exiting the green, audibly declare which unconscious player didn’t fix their impact crater.  

3^rd A smart caddie doesn’t dare carry razor sharp pencils or tees in their pocket:

To stand on a golf course amongst these chops is hazardous enough.  Why dare risk thigh, chest, or buttock puncture wounds?

4^th You had better have a comfortable pair of caddie kicks:

It is true, as a caddy you will never walk more in your life.  Don’t be caught dead wearing golf shoes or anything that looks like a sandal.  Fresh white tennies are the only way to go.  If you toil in a rainy climate get some galoshes or back up Gore-Tex® kicks.  

In general, proper rain gear is not something you should concern yourself with.  The instant a drop of rain falls, the golf round should be over - no ifs, ands, nor buts.  

It always helps to pre-round interview potential players by explicitly questioning them about their personal “Rain/Mist Policy”?  

While on the course, if you ever hear anything even resembling the echo of thunder or perhaps you witness trace gleams or electric flashes - drop every metal death rod immediately and run like hell for shelter!

THE CADDIE UNIFORM - THE TOOLS OF OPPRESSION - EXHIBITS ALPHA / BETA ABOVE

5^th Never pay for any required caddy uniform:  

If the club is not willing to clean mandated uniforms daily do not submit to them.  Abstain from purchasing any things they tell you to. 

Never forget the simple fact: 

THEY have Money - YOU YOUNG CADDIE, YOU DO NOT!  

Please Stay Tuned for Getting Started is Next!

Caddy Manual - Introduction to Caddying - Volume 1

CaddyDigest Caddy Manual

An Introduction to Caddying

CADDY / CADDIE 

(v) to slug or chase someone’s clubs around a golf course while doing the backbreaking work no player cares for.

(n) the servant who chases or schleps clubs around a golf course while doing the backbreaking work no player cares for.

So nice, they named 'em twice.  Regardless if you spell it with a “y” or an “ie”, the story remains the same.  

EX: Showing up, keeping up, and shutting up are unwritten caddy rules which were made to be broken.

What is Caddying?  

To caddie is to slug or chase someone’s clubs around a golf course while doing the backbreaking work no player cares to do.  

It is an important part of golf's heritage of master and slave.  

While it can be easy under the table cash for the keen and clever, it will be a toothless dead-end job for those refusing to read the colorful graffiti on the caddieyard wall.  

What are the merits of Caddying?

Caddying gives you the opportunity to meet successful and influential people, many of whom are boring and unhappy.  To work for such folk for even 3 to 4 hours will be complete torture, a lesson in life of who never to take crap from or agree to work for again. 

Potentially young loopers can earn caddie scholarships although this may be at the cost of their adolescent innocence.

The caddy is as old as the game of golf itself.

Caddying is a part of golf's love of servitude, "the way golf servants were to be enslaved".  

Catching loops helps adolescent kids learn many games - an opportunity for young people to get hip to the real world's lovely aspects of classism, racism, cronyism, nepotism, and the gulag police state.  

Isn’t the Caddieyard all but dead?

Almost, but it is the resurgence of the caddieyard that is the only hope for golf to be charismatic again.           

History proves the most memorable golfers with cool swings and personality got their start in scummy caddieyards the world over.  Visit CaddieDigest's Caddy Shack of Fame page for undeniable evidence of why loopers do it best. 

Sorry Dubs… you’ll never be in this club.

What should I do?

Thoroughly scrutinize and study this CaddieDigest Caddy Manual.  

Never ask your manipulative Caddiemaster or robotic Golf Professional to explain anything regarding your mandate. Always distrust whatever they tell you.  

The better you know this manual the easier it will be to stash cash and escape dismal caddie-4-life scenarios.  

CaddyDigest publishes this caddie manual.  With a combined 40+ years experience toiling on courses throughout the greater United States, we are knocking the “stiff” out of golf.

For more CaddyDigest Caddy Manual click here!