Caddie Manual - Getting Your Round Started - Volume 6

GETTING YOUR ROUND STARTED AS A CADDY

You’ll probably want to ignore your Caddiemaster on when you should check in or where you should wait for your day's loopage.  It’s best you only appear minutes before things get busy, then just stick your face in everything and everywhere. 

If things are slow, lifelong loopers will resort to bootjack loops by feasting on arriving players in the parking lot.  The instant a golfer surfaces from their vehicle, they are assaulted for their golf bag, tee time, and playing partner information.  This method of finding work is for dead-end lifer caddies only.  Only scum resort to this method of attaining loops. You dear looper, you must abstain from conducting like utter T.

When the Caddiemaster tries to give you an assignment, investigate whether the bag really exists.  By chance you actually accept the job, be sure to confirm if the player has been sighted on premise walking under his or her own power.  Adjust the carrying strap and wrangle that cumbersome bag onto the nearest golf cart.  Count the clubs in the bag, if any player has more than 14 clubs, forfeit the job at once.

Don't arrange the player's clubs.  You are not their mom!  

If the pig of a player doesn't keep their sticks in order don't waste an instant trying to make sense of their mess.  

If the player is rude enough to arrive with dirty clubs, refrain from cleaning any mess that pig makes throughout the round.  Little piggy players need tough love!

Any driver and putter headcovers should be abolished for any round you work, never acquiesce to fondling either of these ridiculous club headcovers. 

If the player has iron covers, self-inflict booting it and get out of working that loop.  Seriously, 5 seconds of vomiting pain is better than working an iron covered bag:

If the custom at your club is to carry putters, or in other words, to handcuff caddies with cart riding player's putters, simply do not submit.  


This stupid custom came about as a way for caddy's to trick cart riding players into believing they were better served by the looper. The truth is, this custom is a waste of precious time, resources, and energy. 


It is your looping duty to retrain inefficient players to carry their own damn putters.  There's plenty of other work to do besides needlessly batton-ing putters 18 times a round with each chop in the playing group.

A general rule of loopage, one you should forever subscribe to, is just how much you have your hands full. You are never to carry accessories like scorecards, pencils, golf tees, ball markers, divot sanders, and or divot tools – nada, nothing extra. Simply come strapped with a clean towel to fend off the golfer's filth!

Never commit your player's name to memory.  If you need to get their attention use steely eye contact, firmly say 'HEY', or make clicking noises with your tongue.  

It is the player who must break any and all eye contact made. If they piss you off, mispronounce whatever the bag tag claims their names to be. 

When the round is about to begin always wait until you actually HAVE to say hello.  


If you can, avoid giving them your real name.  


Sometimes they'll even try and get a handshake out of you.  Don't be fooled!

Your player may want to warm up on the range or “roll a few” on the practice green prior to the beginning of the round.  Screw them, they can go toil on their own, you shouldn't be anywhere near that bag until the 1st tee is clear.

When the 1st tee is free, the torment can commence.

Please Stay Tuned - “The 1^st Tee” is next!