Caddie Manual - Getting Your Round Started - Volume 6

GETTING YOUR ROUND STARTED AS A CADDY

You’ll probably want to ignore your Caddiemaster on when you should check in or where you should wait for your day's loopage.  It’s best you only appear minutes before things get busy, then just stick your face in everything and everywhere. 

If things are slow, lifelong loopers will resort to bootjack loops by feasting on arriving players in the parking lot.  The instant a golfer surfaces from their vehicle, they are assaulted for their golf bag, tee time, and playing partner information.  This method of finding work is for dead-end lifer caddies only.  Only scum resort to this method of attaining loops. You dear looper, you must abstain from conducting like utter T.

When the Caddiemaster tries to give you an assignment, investigate whether the bag really exists.  By chance you actually accept the job, be sure to confirm if the player has been sighted on premise walking under his or her own power.  Adjust the carrying strap and wrangle that cumbersome bag onto the nearest golf cart.  Count the clubs in the bag, if any player has more than 14 clubs, forfeit the job at once.

Don't arrange the player's clubs.  You are not their mom!  

If the pig of a player doesn't keep their sticks in order don't waste an instant trying to make sense of their mess.  

If the player is rude enough to arrive with dirty clubs, refrain from cleaning any mess that pig makes throughout the round.  Little piggy players need tough love!

Any driver and putter headcovers should be abolished for any round you work, never acquiesce to fondling either of these ridiculous club headcovers. 

If the player has iron covers, self-inflict booting it and get out of working that loop.  Seriously, 5 seconds of vomiting pain is better than working an iron covered bag:

If the custom at your club is to carry putters, or in other words, to handcuff caddies with cart riding player's putters, simply do not submit.  


This stupid custom came about as a way for caddy's to trick cart riding players into believing they were better served by the looper. The truth is, this custom is a waste of precious time, resources, and energy. 


It is your looping duty to retrain inefficient players to carry their own damn putters.  There's plenty of other work to do besides needlessly batton-ing putters 18 times a round with each chop in the playing group.

A general rule of loopage, one you should forever subscribe to, is just how much you have your hands full. You are never to carry accessories like scorecards, pencils, golf tees, ball markers, divot sanders, and or divot tools – nada, nothing extra. Simply come strapped with a clean towel to fend off the golfer's filth!

Never commit your player's name to memory.  If you need to get their attention use steely eye contact, firmly say 'HEY', or make clicking noises with your tongue.  

It is the player who must break any and all eye contact made. If they piss you off, mispronounce whatever the bag tag claims their names to be. 

When the round is about to begin always wait until you actually HAVE to say hello.  


If you can, avoid giving them your real name.  


Sometimes they'll even try and get a handshake out of you.  Don't be fooled!

Your player may want to warm up on the range or “roll a few” on the practice green prior to the beginning of the round.  Screw them, they can go toil on their own, you shouldn't be anywhere near that bag until the 1st tee is clear.

When the 1st tee is free, the torment can commence.

Please Stay Tuned - “The 1^st Tee” is next!

10 Rules of a Golf Caddy - Caddy Manual - Volume 4

10 RULES OF A GOLF CADDY

1) Learn the games of sabotage, shuck/jive, poker, blackjack, cloak and dagger.  

For instance, if any hack shows up with more than 14 clubs you must utilize all forms of cunning to avoid working that bag.  

2) Have an inkling where your player's ball is, at times.  

Learn how to BS the path you walk, many times players will find their balls for you.  

3) Replace divots but only if time allows.  

If the golf club you caddy at calls for sanding divots, forget it.  The carts will be a-moving.  In such a setup, you got no time for divots.

4) Avoid raking bunkers so long as it will not come back to haunt you.  

Rake on the PGA - fake in mixed play!

5) Stay ahead of and or tuck behind your players.  

This will depend upon which extra-caddicular activities you are partaking in.  Do what it takes to keep all their forced cookie cutter conversations at bay.

6) Be extremely careful around and on putting greens.  

Never offer advice.  Memorize only the 1st green and be sure you offer your players inept advice from the onset of the round.  Train them to never seek your golfing counsel again.

7) Learn how to eye or use a range finder for yardage.  

If the club does not allow range finders, cite yardage by eye.  Doing this will save you miles of aimless wanderings.

8) Handle only the player's bags worth the trouble ($$$).  

You must avoid any and every cheap player at all costs!

9) Don't ever get caught touching a live golf ball in play.  

Foot wedges can earn firings, but not touching golf balls in play can be also death, use your head and be careful. Always remember caddies -> infinite denial = your defense infinitely.

10) Always stay 2 maneuvers ahead.  

Do as little work as possible, speak in CaddyDigest caddy lingo.  If you ever do make a mistake, never admit to it!

Bonus Rule Made to be Broken: 

Show up, Keep up, Shut up 

Remember to arrive at the last possible second.

See rule 5 about keeping up with your group.  


Stay soft-spoken at least within earshot of the assho*es you are coerced into caddying for.  


As for when you are away, say whatever you feel like, they can't stop you!

The CaddieMaster - Caddy Manual - Volume 3

THE CADDIEMASTER

The Caddiemaster title alone alludes to everything you need to know about the profession.  

A Caddiemaster is scorned to recruit, coddle, and coerce a golf club's caddy program.  

It is a must the Caddiemaster conspires effectively with the cold-blooded Golf Professional and his underling Stasi force.  Together they can divide and conquer a caddieyard.  They play a major role in their club membership's favorite games of domination and subjugation.          

Unprofessionally trained per usual, caddie programs can bring riddance to slow play and significantly reduce the hours of golf round boredom.  

It is a general rule of thumb, the more obtrusive a caddie program is the higher a golf club's repute becomes as a 1st class operation.  Simply put, the scummier the caddieyard, the classier the club’s reputation is.    

Every club has it's own specialized tactics of dehumanization for caddies to fall for, be sure to learn them quickly.  

Choose your words wisely when dealing with the Caddiemaster.  Anything you so much as mutter can and will be used against you.  

The following questions may be only discerned using common sense.  If you are caught asking the wrong person the following questions, you may loose everything:

• How, when, and where to report to work?
• How, when, and where to go and what to do?
• How, when, and where you will be compensated?
• How, when, and where to obtain information on anything?

Caddy Manual - Introduction to Caddying - Volume 1

CaddyDigest Caddy Manual

An Introduction to Caddying

CADDY / CADDIE 

(v) to slug or chase someone’s clubs around a golf course while doing the backbreaking work no player cares for.

(n) the servant who chases or schleps clubs around a golf course while doing the backbreaking work no player cares for.

So nice, they named 'em twice.  Regardless if you spell it with a “y” or an “ie”, the story remains the same.  

EX: Showing up, keeping up, and shutting up are unwritten caddy rules which were made to be broken.

What is Caddying?  

To caddie is to slug or chase someone’s clubs around a golf course while doing the backbreaking work no player cares to do.  

It is an important part of golf's heritage of master and slave.  

While it can be easy under the table cash for the keen and clever, it will be a toothless dead-end job for those refusing to read the colorful graffiti on the caddieyard wall.  

What are the merits of Caddying?

Caddying gives you the opportunity to meet successful and influential people, many of whom are boring and unhappy.  To work for such folk for even 3 to 4 hours will be complete torture, a lesson in life of who never to take crap from or agree to work for again. 

Potentially young loopers can earn caddie scholarships although this may be at the cost of their adolescent innocence.

The caddy is as old as the game of golf itself.

Caddying is a part of golf's love of servitude, "the way golf servants were to be enslaved".  

Catching loops helps adolescent kids learn many games - an opportunity for young people to get hip to the real world's lovely aspects of classism, racism, cronyism, nepotism, and the gulag police state.  

Isn’t the Caddieyard all but dead?

Almost, but it is the resurgence of the caddieyard that is the only hope for golf to be charismatic again.           

History proves the most memorable golfers with cool swings and personality got their start in scummy caddieyards the world over.  Visit CaddieDigest's Caddy Shack of Fame page for undeniable evidence of why loopers do it best. 

Sorry Dubs… you’ll never be in this club.

What should I do?

Thoroughly scrutinize and study this CaddieDigest Caddy Manual.  

Never ask your manipulative Caddiemaster or robotic Golf Professional to explain anything regarding your mandate. Always distrust whatever they tell you.  

The better you know this manual the easier it will be to stash cash and escape dismal caddie-4-life scenarios.  

CaddyDigest publishes this caddie manual.  With a combined 40+ years experience toiling on courses throughout the greater United States, we are knocking the “stiff” out of golf.

For more CaddyDigest Caddy Manual click here!