Caddy Dictionary, Golf Terms, Looper Lingo - C

 - (v) to slug or chase someone’s clubs around a golf course doing the backbreaking work no player cares for.
         (n) the servant who chases or schleps clubs around a golf course doing the backbreaking work no player cares for.

Loopers are so nice, they named them twice (caddy / caddie).  

Regardless if you spell it with a “y” or an “ie”, the story is the same. The definition of a caddie never changes.

EX: Showing up, keeping up, and shutting up are unwritten caddy rules made to be broken.

(n) the document filled out by the player supposedly highlighting their caddie’s service performance and compensation.

Ball watching, maintaining of pace, courtesy, fulfillment of caddie duties, bunker raking, divot filling, ball and club cleaning, attitude, and appearance.  These are all supposed performance aspects which caddies may be judged upon. 

The true measure of a good caddie is essentially answered by the following question, Did your caddie enhance your ego's feelings of importance and power?  On a scale of 1 to 5 please rate:

__ You were mocked and treated fairly by your caddie.

__ Your caddie laughed at you audibly.

__ Your hideous golf game was tolerated without tears from
   your bag handler.

__ You felt as if you knew what you were doing out there. 

__ For moments you fancied yourself as master of golf and the universe.

EX: Stay as far away as you can from players as they conspire to underpay, filling out caddie chits.

– (n) chaffed neck from a golf bag strap.

EX: My fu*king neck is killing me, this leather strap is giving me caddie collar.

– (n) golf servant appreciation day. 

Typical festivities entail allowing caddies to play on carts, free buffet and pizza.  

Donated door prizes include pro shop items rendered unfeasible to sell and the membership's secondhand golf clubs deemded impossible to hit.

EX: It’s caddy day - it’s MY day!

- (n) the derogatory term for a caddieyard.

It is probably the most appropriate term for the location where loopers wait for work. Usually it’s sad state and filthiness are due to caddies’ typical pigsty habits.

Caddies at Baltusrol Golf Club 1900
EX: Your players haven’t arrived yet, get back to your caddiehole, we’ll call you when they show.

(n) the location loopers herd in while they wait for their day’s work.  Can be shortened to the ‘yard.

In the history of caddieyards there has never been one that was not disgraceful.  

More recently one that didn’t have ESPN SportsCenter blaring at white trash decibel levels or one that didn’t smell of old shoes. 

Caddies at Baltusrol Golf Club 2008
EX: If I have to sit in this caddieyard any longer, I’m going to lose it.

– (n) the structure through which a caddie program operates.

What every caddieyard shares in common is chaos.  

From their chaos, arrives subservient and servile orders, the proper imbalance and disfunction necessary to have a top rated club and scum covered caddieyard.

Understanding what system your caddie program is ruled under is critical to figuring out how the hell you’re gonna find work consistently, as painlessly as possible.

There are 2 types of caddieyard systems:

I.  Benevolent / Malevolent Caddiemaster Dictatorships 
The Caddiemaster decides all. Who works for who and who's teeing off when.

Click here and sign up for this legendary caddiemaster's Twitter feed!
II.  Top-Down Caddieyard Pyramids 
See illustration below for more:

EX: The caddieyard system at almost every golf and country club is dysfunctional, some easier to infiltrate and corrupt than others.

- (v) to slug or chase someone’s clubs around a golf course doing the backbreaking work no player cares for.
        (n) the servant who chases or schleps clubs around a golf course doing the backbreaking work no player cares for.

Loopers are so nice, they named them twice (caddy / caddie).    

Regardless if you spell it with a “y” or an “ie”, the story is the same. The definition of a caddy never changes.

EX: A caddie waves their towel to signal to golfers that they are free to hit their tee shots.

 – (n) the cute term for a disgraceful caddieyard and most importantly, a classic comedy filmed in 1980.

It may be the greatest comedic movie ever while it’s sequel could be the biggest malinvestment in human history. 

EX: Ted Knight’s performance in Caddyshack was epic!

(n) a wager, usually on a team or individual player to win a golf tournament. 

In such a bet, golfers bid auction style on who they think will the tournament.  If it is a handicap tournament, sandbaggers will be heavily favored while bullarders will be avoided.  

All the money raised goes into an auction pool and at the end of the tournament those who bet on the tournament winner receive a predetermined payout from the auction/betting pool.

They used to be much larger, until the Internal Revenue Service cracked down on ‘em.  Generally speaking, the more degaste the tournament golfers are, the larger the Calcutta becomes.

EX: Mingya, I don’t care if we win the tournament, I just wanna piece of the Calcutta! 

(n/v) the distance a golf ball travels in the air.

Chops have a difficulty understanding this concept; their golfing minds are simply terrestrial. 

EX: If a caddie says it’s a 200-yard carry or more, 98% of golfers should lay up.

– (v) the practice of holding and hanging on to the putter(s) of any player(s) riding on a golf cart. 

This is a cockeyed custom invented for loopers to trick players into thinking they were serviced more.  It is a pure waste of time.  Retrain players to worry about their own damn putters, your hands must remain unshackled and as free as possible.

In the caddiehole, it can be communicated to others that one chased carts by stating one carried putters as opposed to carrying golf bags.

EX: Mountain goat loopers prefer to carry putters over golf bags any day of the week.

(n) the 4-wheeled electric or gas powered caddie program killer.  Sometimes they come in p.c. 2-wheel pull or 3-wheel push/motorized versions.

The golf cart’s contribution to the game is highly controversial.  While their introduction has helped spread the game of golf throughout the world, the question remains whether their overall effect on the game itself has been positive.

Since the inception of the motorized cart, caddie programs have dwindled in number... replaced by golf cart storage barns.  

They are not solely responsible for the near death of the looper, we can also thank: greedy real estate development, baby boomers, fiat currencies, central fractional reserve banking, cheap classless chops, scummy lifer caddies, Tiger, Tiger, Tiger Woods y'all, and the over commercialization of the game itself.

We are of the opinion that there is a suitable compromise.  If used in conjunction with caddies, carts are an excellent option for players who seek to take a load off between shots.  

The existence of the golf cart helps a golf course increase revenues as third party loopers do take a cut of golf course profits. 

Not every course needs a caddie program, but then again, not every golf course needs a cart barn either.

There is no excuse for pull or push carts.  They should be abolished and are an embarrassment to the game of golf.

EX: With a 30 or more degree downhill slope and wet grass, a true golf cart stunt driver can pull off the elusive 360-degree spin out.       

- (adj.) a fever deranging young caddies when they first drive golf carts.

Life and limb have been lost to the youthful lust of golf carts.  

These little possessed demons are highly dangerous – they have smashed carts into fellow caddies, golfers, trees, buildings, lakes, and cars.

EX: Stay close behind me, and drive slowly, you cart happy rat!

– (n) a temporary accumulation of H2O.

Dependent on one's moral outlook, it may or may not be recognized as a hazard.  Safety first, rubbers are recommended.  No player ever truly gets relief for free.

EX: Casual water never leads to love nor usually a lovely shot, just a really wet one.

– (v) to forecaddie for players riding on golf carts.

Jog the first hole, once you're outta the clubhouses’ view, jump on the back of the cart.  

To take care of four players can be a sh*ton a work, especially if you do it right.  

Stay positive, at least you're not carrying golf bags!

EX: In Southern Florida and out West in the desert, chasing carts is status quo.

(n/adj) derogatory racist term for a black person though it can also be used to despair against anyone, regardless of race, gender, or creed.

EX: A charcs core essence is that of being classless, crass, and or boorish in behavior.

(n/adj) players who create or twist interpretations of the Rules of Golf to gain advantage, they incorporate all forms of cunning to shave strokes.

They are fond of mulligans, often checking to see if their ball is plugged or not.  On the first hole they always petition rolling in the fairway and even the rough.  They push for gimmies for themselves and playing partners while omitting whiffs and double hit penalty strokes. 

EX: Once a player is branded cheater-mans their reputation is forever tarnished.

(n/adj) jewish and or cheap, a derogatory racist term which can apply to any race, creed, or gender.

EX: Get chewy on purchases and you end up with cheap chinese junkulus. 

(n/v) a short shot played from just off the green intended to carry very little time in the air and roll the majority of the way to the hole.

Most chops have no idea how to correctly perform a chip, caddies should always push chops into using a Texas wedge around the green.

EX: Having the correct form for a chip shot is critical to its execution.

– (v) not performing well in an important the moment. 
        (n) anyone who performs poorly at his or her
            endeavor, in this case golf.

Not only can one choke in sports by playing poorly when it matters most, one can also choke in life.  It can be as simple as purchasing the wrong brand of gum or as complex as choosing the wrong course of study, career, or spouse.

EX: You got ranch seeds instead of BBQ?  Fu*king choke!

CHRONYON - (n) cannabis sativa, marijuana.

Every caddieyard has at least one looper with a bowl in their pocket and sac of weed in their locker. 

EX: His ritual is to forecaddie on 14 and blaze chronyon while his players tee off.     

(v/adj) a poor shot where the club head strikes the ground before the golf ball usually resulting in a large divot and a shot which falls short of its target. AKA – hit it fat, chili-dip.

In golf as in life, it is usually better to be a bit skinny than chunky. 

It also helps to have a brain and use it:

EX: When a player chunks a golf shot, a thick feeling of hopelessness is almost immediate.  

(n) when a player’s front foot is placed closer to the target line. 

It helps to produce inside out swing paths, draws, and intolerant viewpoints.  Once one adopts a shut stance, it’s hard to question any thing much less hit a golf ball straight.

EX: Having a closed stance certainly does not guarantee a player from blocking their shots.

(n) the device a player uses to hit a golf ball. 

Players are allowed to carry 14 of them, if they have more than that they deserve no service.

Even though it’s almost always the Indian and not his arrows, modern golf clubs are vastly superior in design. Even weaklings now have the ability to carry a golf ball numerous football fields.

EX: If a club costs more than your rent or monthly mortgage, wait perhaps a year before purchasing it for unlike your costs of living, golf club prices go down with time.

- (v) to give a player advice on which golf club they should use.

Do not do this unless directly petitioned numerous times. 

First, if a player asks what club you think they should use, ignore them.  If they repeat the question, just ask them what they like.  Play it like a disinterested philosopher, simply mirror and repeat their question.

EX: With only a snowball's chance in hell of decent pay, Timmy found no use in clubbing his players.

(n) the surface of the clubhead designed to strike the ball. 

The objective for players should be to strike their ball with the center of the clubface or what is called the sweet spot.  Most chops find it by accident and when they finally do they seem to have a hard time remembering where it is again.
EX: Most chops have no idea where the clubface is located.

(n) where play starts and ends. 

Private ones are off limits to loopers; public ones are almost always overpriced and cluttered. 

The best clubhouses are simple.  The more extravagant and large the clubhouses’ design is, the larger the tyranny paid upon its employees, membership, and caddie program.

EX: I’ll be in the clubhouse enjoying half a sandwich and soup.

(n) the putt required after the previous putt attempt goes beyond the hole.

Although this term gives the impression of a succeeding underdog, many comebackers in golf fail miserably. 

EX: The player who leaves himself downhill comebackers can forget about having a stress free walk in the park.

– (v) the concession of a stroke usually in close proximity to the hole. AKA – a gimmie, a kick in putt, or cheating.

What men do in overabundance. 

What women should do more often. 

It is one thing if you are setting up an opponent in match play, it is completely another thing if you are picking up twisting two-foot snakes for no other reason than being nice or strokingly corrupt. 

A high quality oxymoron in golf is when a caddie has nerve enough to give player's their putts, especially his own.

EX: Before marking the ball, he hovered a bit, begging someone to concede his three foot par putt.

(n) the deepest golf ball perhaps ever designed.
          (n) hole in one on a par 5, also called a double albatross and or a triple eagle.

The Condor golf ball is great for scrambles and grandpas.  
Rock Flights and Pinnacles are no match for these illegal british golf balls.  

Still, let's enjoy Rock Flight's old school pitch of depth:

EX: Nothing can out pump a Condor golf ball, it is the longest golf ball ever created.

- (v) to be in a state of anger or to humiliate or berate someone.
Some people cook more than others.  It is easy to distinguish between a great cooker, the type of angry fool whose temper tantrums make you laugh, versus the cry babies who make everything bitter and bland bringing the group down with them.  

Cookers can also be referred to as those who burn and or roast originating from a red faced roaster and or burner.

EX: Beware, it’s a high-pressure loop, one misstep and that prick will cook you in front of everyone.

(n) a designated plot of land where the game of golf is played. 
From concrete dog tracks to pristine parks, the varying types of golf courses around the world seem only outnumbered by the clueless chops that converge upon them.

EX: The majority of modern golf course design is garbage.

CRAVE - (v) to yearn for or hold in high regard.

To crave too much of any one thing in this world tends to be hazardous.

EX: Gamblers crave the thrill of losing more than having money, friends, and or family.

- (adj.) refers to something pleasant or pleasuring.

It can be almost anything: a drink, a caddie towel, a comfortable seat.

EX: It is a fu*cking sweat bath, all I can think about is how crisp my icy Gatorade is going to taste at the turn!

(n) style of grip opposite of a conventional grip, for instance, where a right-handed player places their left hand below their right hand.  Usually used in putting.

Although their preference of grip is unconventional most of these players live normal lives.  

EX: Arnold Palmer and Gary Player are on record stating if they could do it over again, they would have started their golf careers committing to putting cross handed.

– (n) the sensation one finds between their legs after many miles of walking on a hot summers’ day. 

Battle it with mountains of medicated powder, Gold Bond's is your savior.

EX: The telltale symptom of crotch rot is when every step you take hurts more than the last.

(n) after two rounds of a four round tournament a score is set (the cut) to lose an underperforming number of the field (roughly 60+ players miss the cut and get no prize money).

Not making the cut, more often than not, is the way life goes.  Success is found through failure and learning, just make sure you got enough savings to cover your education through the failures and hard-knocks.

EX: A seasoned vet knows the cut is earned never assumed.

(n) has a slight fade from left to right for a righty.  Usually high in trajectory.

Out to inside swinging, the high cut may be sexiest shot in all of golf.

EX: The pro relies on his highly repeatable cut shot to hit what he desires.

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