Caddy Dictionary, Golf Terms, Looper Lingo - H

- (adj./n) anything or anyone who performs poorly at the endeavor they choose, in this case a bad golfer.  A.K.A. - chop

You could be a hack bartender, car, doctor, shoe, mother, president, what have you.  Bottom line, hacks are no good at whatever it is they claim to perform.
EX: Please enjoy the hack writing here at CaddyDigest.

- (n) the midpoint rest area, usually placed between the 9th green and 10th tee.

This is the place where members (comfortable and sheltered) stuff their faces with deluxe food and drink. 

Loopers are normally designated to separate backdoor areas, exposing them to harsh climates.  They must fend off ravenous birds and squirrels from the caddie water troughs and pretzel piles.
EX: God I hope they have a hot chick working the halfway house this year.

– (n) a number alleging to represent a player's current golfing disability based upon the difficulty of the course played. A.K.A. - Handicheat Index 

It is a system used to help the meek and mischievous gain not just level footing but a competitive advantage over those who would crush them in a fair and honest go-round.

Many systems in our societies have been mistakenly confused with the grievous golf handicap system, these include the following: welfare systems, Keynesian economic systems, the K-street corporate slave-state system, fiat central bank fractional reserve debt based monetary systems, basically any system that executes the exact opposite it purports to contribute.
EX: If your handicap index is 36.4, you’re either physically retarded, you don’t play golf, or you’re the most corrupt son of bitch strutting through grass.

- (n) technically bunkers or water hazards. 
There are more perils on a golf course than words can cover.  It's amazing people can launch a little ball so few times into such a small hole given the amount of trepidation felt and factors working against them. 

It also important to note the amount of health-hazardous activities golfers perform while committing their strokes: smoking, chewing, swallowing, not breathing.
EX: What do you mean I can't ground my club in a hazard?

– (n) the elusive round receptacle that is a mere 4.25 inches in diameter and at least 4 inches deep.
It’s located on the green, sometimes it's virtually impossible to find. 

Burning lips, lip outs, rim jobs - go ahead - jam it with a pin.  None of these expressions adds up to a final stroke unless you've holed out and reached the bottom of the cup.
EX: Get in the hole!

– (v) a ball at rest within the circumference of the hole. 
It's supposed to happen 18 times per player in a round.  With men, this is rare as more often than not it's... Bob, that’s good, pick it up.
EX: Nothing better than watching chop-tournament-melt-downs
when every putt has to be holed out.

– (n) the player "entitled" to play first from the teeing area. 
In life its usually the kid who never earned a damn thing. The trust fund punk ass who can thank great grandfather's amassed fortune and monopolistic business practices. 

In golf it's just the prick that buried the last birdie or who won the tee flip.

EX:  Jack off you made a snowman on the last hole, you don't have honors, get off the tee!

– (n) a caddie classification for the most experienced of loopers, A.K.A. - Bullsh*t Con Job
This is definitely not an honor.  The majority of these caddies are lifers who have and will continue to waste their years in the yard.
If you are a full time looper and you are not immersed in either a full time job search or a career change, well frankly you would be better classified as a lifer.
Some of these guys dare to start families and many have the nerve to use their under nourished kids as leverage for more loops!  There have been father and son loopers, loopers who began their career back in ’53 and still caddie to this day, and saddest of all - loopers stricken with amnesia who return to their old club of employment forgetting that they years ago they were forced into retirement.      
EX: If you are an honor caddie and yet you don’t have a legitimate plan of escape, you better think fast.

– (n/v) a shot hit by a right-hander which curves severely from right to left (sorry we'll never use left-handers in any of our definitions as reversing the terms is painful and almost as confusing and retarded as the backward clubs lefties use to play golf). 
A hook can also be referred to as a Texas draw, garbage, junk-u-lus, or caddie killer.
EX: Throughout his career, Ben Hogan fought a hook, not only did he kick its ass, Hogan may be the greatest CaddyDigest Caddy Shack of Fame golfer of all time.

(n) hot dogs.
Let’s be real, hot dogs could be the foulest food created. 
One read of Upton Sinclair’s "The Jungle” or perhaps Eric Schlosser’s “Fast Food Nation” could do the trick.  

A more effective understanding could be gained by shoving one down your pie hole between the 9th green and 10th tee, then placing 60 pounds of golf bags on your shoulders and walking 50 yards up a 60-degree incline on a ninety plus degree day.  

Good luck getting enough oxygen in your snout:
EX: How you gonna make it around the backside with those hot dix lodged in your chest?!
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