Caddy Dictionary, Golf Terms, Looper Lingo - A

ACE – (n/v) a score of '1' for a hole, also commonly called a hole-in-one.

A one timer is a great excuse to get rip-roaring drunk without any planning ahead of time.

The player who accomplishes this miraculous feat is obligated to buy "free" drinks for the group and, worse yet at times, the entire clubhouse.  Most golfers are smart enough to set up insurance plans in case a one timer comes to pass. 

Often it is merely a par, as many golfers out rightly deny ever taking a mulligan even if witnesses were present. 

They are an extreme anomaly. Many argue it is more luck than skill. 

Some of the world's greatest ball strikers remain hole-in-one virgins while inept swinging seizures have recorded accomplishing two of these miracles in one round.         

EX: That son of a bitch got lucky, he aced a short muni’ par four and brags about it every time we play.

ADDRESS – (n/v) the position taken by a player before they begin their stroke.

This is the time when you can silently jinx, maloik, or ridicule the player with quiet gestures, remarks, or by making funny faces to one another behind the player's back.

EX: Addressing his ball with unease and discomfort, it was a safe bet the guy was not a golfer, but simply a chop.

AGGREGATE – (n) the total score/time taken over more than one round of golf.

ANSE x TMS x NRE = CaddieDigest's Torture Aggregate

Accumulative Number of Stokes Endured (ANSE) in a round X Total Minutes Suffered (TMS) X Number of Rounds Endured.

    

After a typical two, three, or even four-day tournament… the average chop swears off golf only to relapse weeks later.

EX: For a par 72 the official aggregate score of even par for a four-day tournament would be 288, while the CaddieDigest.com aggregate score would look more like 125,400 (95 strokes per day X 330 minute median to trudge around the track X 4 grueling days of tournament torture).

AIM – (n/v) the direction to where the target lies or where one intends the ball to go.

For chops this has nothing to do with where the ball goes. The majority of times the target they select is not only ill advised but dangerous.

EX: Watch out, most golfers have not a clue of their aim nor intent.

ALBATROSS – (n) a hole completed three strokes under par.  AKA – Double Eagle

They are threatened with extinction and they are reserved for true bad-asses only.

EX: Only an excaddie would have nerve and greed enough to capture their own albatross and pull the trigger on a shot heard round the world.

ALL ANIMAL TEAM – (n) every club has at least a fantasy foursome of creature look-a-likes. 

They run the gambit between frog-mans, bird-ladies, pig-nose, chicken-head, ratfink, fisheye, and scarecrow look-alikes.  Naming a pair of amphibious or reptilian-like loopers to work the club's team is usually imaginative icing on the cake.   

EX: Through the combination of his red pig snout, sly snakehead, and t-rex torso attached to two chicken leg arms – for an unprecedented 5th straight summer, Mr. Nick Vickory is the club's all animal team captain.

ALL FREAK TEAM – (n) every club has at least a foursome of malformed players. 

Whether it be from cock-eyed stares, quivering hands, missing voice boxes, pockmarked grills, weird breathing noises, deformation, surgical amputation, war wounds, or just plain scary features, NO golf course is without hair-raising "people" present. 

To conjure four oddities swinging and two toothless vagabonds working under them, well that's a gimmie at a large golf club.    

EX: The all freak team loop will be diveded between Larry Pet-Shaver and Jim Claw-hand.

ALL SQUARE – (adj) occurs in match play when both players (or teams) are tied and have won the same amount of holes.

Don’t be fooled, there is no such thing as a tie.  Someone is always being shat upon, probably the caddie.

EX: In amateur match play tournaments, especially when caddies work for players, the words “all square” are enemy number one.

    

ANGLE OF APPROACH – (n) the angle the club head strikes the golf ball, determines trajectory, spin, curvature, launch angle, etc. Not to be confused with the manner in which one approaches the opposite sex. 

That’s right, contrary to chop delusion; the golf ball's flight and direction is actually based in physics.

Also contrary to chop belief, buying a woman anything in the first go-rounds of familiarity achieves the exact opposite of what said chops’ intentions (exemptions to this fact are whores, prostitutes, and gold-diggers).

EX: His angle of approach was a bit too over the top, subsequently he pulled his shot by breaking out his wallet.

APPROACH – (n) a stroke attempting to reach the putting green. 

It's rarely accomplished in one fail swoop.  Smooth foreplay is needed before any up and down.  One may resort to bump and running to get the job done, just beware of the laws in your state. 

EX: His approach technique was ill advised and as a result he almost lost his ball(s).

APRON – (n) the final few yards of fairway before and around the green.  Commonly referred to as the "fringe".

 

Greenskeepers love over-watering these areas keeping 'em soft and soggy to piss off weak elder members who can't get it up any more.

EX: I like running it up the right side of the apron, through the chute avoiding the bunkers. 

ATTEND THE FLAGSTICK – (v) to bear and remove the flagstick for someone.

In 1968 the USGA introduced the barbarous rule requiring the flagstick’s removal for strokes played from the putting surface. 

You’d think we could design a slimmer golf pin and leave it to rest.  Perhaps one that would receive accurate incoming shots and all putts of decent pace. 

Why give players a better target (increase their chances of holing out) when you could have a caddie to yell at when you miss?  Why alleviate having to remove the flagstick when loopers fetch ‘em like dogs?      

EX: A player’s request of attendance to the flagstick is ritualistic torture for a golf caddie. 

AWAY – (adj.) the player farthest from the hole supposedly has the right of way. 

Many times players dawdle around and don't pay attention.  Blow a tiny whistle, voice a "hey!" or a head nod, that usually gets them right back on track.

EX: Who’s away?

    You are Dick!

    Well how would I know with you all the way over there?!

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