ACE – (n/v) a score of '1' for a hole, also commonly called a hole-in-one.
A one timer is a great excuse to get rip-roaring drunk without any planning ahead of time.
The player who accomplishes this miraculous feat is obligated to buy "free" drinks for the group and, worse yet at times, the entire clubhouse. Most golfers are smart enough to set up insurance plans in case a one timer comes to pass.
Often it is merely a par, as many golfers out rightly deny ever taking a mulligan even if witnesses were present.
They are an extreme anomaly. Many argue it is more luck than skill. Some of the world's greatest ball strikers remain hole-in-one virgins while inept swinging seizures have recorded accomplishing two of these miracles in one round.
EX: That son of a bitch got lucky, he aced a short muni’ par four and brags about it every time we play.
ADDRESS – (n/v)the position taken by a player before they begin their stroke.
This is the time when you can silently jinx, maloik, or ridicule the player with quiet gestures, remarks, or by making funny faces to one another behind the player's back.
EX: Addressing his ball with unease and discomfort, it was a safe bet the guy was not a golfer, but simply a chop.
AGGREGATE – (n) the total score/time taken over more than one round of golf.
ANSE x TMS x NRE = CaddieDigest's Torture Aggregate
Accumulative Number of Stokes Endured (ANSE) in a round X Total Minutes Suffered (TMS) X Number of Rounds Endured.
After a typical two, three, or even four-day tournament… the average chop swears off golf only to relapse weeks later.
EX: For a par 72 the official aggregate score of even par for a four-day tournament would be 288, while the CaddieDigest.com aggregate score would look more like 125,400 (95 strokes per day X 330 minute median to trudge around the track X 4 grueling days of tournament torture).
AIM – (n/v) the direction to where the target lies or where one intends the ball to go.
For chops this has nothing to do with where the ball goes. The majority of times the target they select is not only ill advised but dangerous.
EX: Watch out, most golfers have not a clue of their aim nor intent.
ALBATROSS – (n) a hole completed three strokes under par. AKA – Double Eagle
They are threatened with extinction and they are reserved for true bad-asses only.
EX: Only an excaddie would have nerve and greed enough to capture their own albatross and pull the trigger on a shot heard round the world.
ALL ANIMAL TEAM – (n) every club has at least a fantasy foursome of creature look-a-likes.
They run the gambit between frog-mans, bird-ladies, pig-nose, chicken-head, ratfink, fisheye, and scarecrow look-alikes. Naming a pair of amphibious or reptilian-like loopers to work the club's team is usually imaginative icing on the cake.
EX: Through the combination of his red pig snout, sly snakehead, and t-rex torso attached to two chicken leg arms – for an unprecedented 5th straight summer, Mr. Nick Vickory is the club's all animal team captain.
ALL FREAK TEAM – (n) every club has at least a foursome of malformed players.
Whether it be from cock-eyed stares, quivering hands, missing voice boxes, pockmarked grills, weird breathing noises, deformation, surgical amputation, war wounds, or just plain scary features, NO golf course is without hair-raising "people" present.
To conjure four oddities swinging and two toothless vagabonds working under them, well that's a gimmie at a large golf club.
EX: The all freak team loop will be diveded between Larry Pet-Shaver and Jim Claw-hand.
ALL SQUARE – (adj) occurs in match play when both players (or teams) are tied and have won the same amount of holes.
Don’t be fooled, there is no such thing as a tie. Someone is always being shat upon, probably the caddie.
EX: In amateur match play tournaments, especially when caddies work for players, the words “all square” are enemy number one.
ANGLE OF APPROACH – (n) the angle the club head strikes the golf ball, determines trajectory, spin, curvature, launch angle, etc. Not to be confused with the manner in which one approaches the opposite sex.
That’s right, contrary to chop delusion; the golf ball's flight and direction is actually based in physics.
Also contrary to chop belief, buying a woman anything in the first go-rounds of familiarity achieves the exact opposite of what said chops’ intentions (exemptions to this fact are whores, prostitutes, and gold-diggers).
EX: His angle of approach was a bit too over the top, subsequently he pulled his shot by breaking out his wallet.
APPROACH – (n) a stroke attempting to reach the putting green.
It's rarely accomplished in one fail swoop. Smooth foreplay is needed before any up and down. One may resort to bump and running to get the job done, just beware of the laws in your state.
EX: His approach technique was ill advised and as a result he almost lost his ball(s).
APRON – (n) the final few yards of fairway before and around the green. Commonly referred to as the "fringe".
Greenskeepers love over-watering these areas keeping 'em soft and soggy to piss off weak elder members who can't get it up any more.
EX: I like running it up the right side of the apron, through the chute avoiding the bunkers.
ATTEND THE FLAGSTICK – (v) to bear and remove the flagstick for someone.
In 1968 the USGA introduced the barbarous rule requiring the flagstick’s removal for strokes played from the putting surface.
You’d think we could design a slimmer golf pin and leave it to rest. Perhaps one that would receive accurate incoming shots and all putts of decent pace.
Why give players a better target (increase their chances of holing out) when you could have a caddie to yell at when you miss? Why alleviate having to remove the flagstick when loopers fetch ‘em like dogs?
EX: A player’s request of attendance to the flagstick is ritualistic torture for a golf caddie.
AWAY – (adj.) the player farthest from the hole supposedly has the right of way.
Many times players dawdle around and don't pay attention. Blow a tiny whistle, voice a "hey!" or a head nod, that usually gets them right back on track.
EX: Who’s away?
You are Dick!
Well how would I know with you all the way over there?!
Read more Caddy Dictionary, Golf Terms, and Looper Lingo!
Depending on one's personal tastes and the course's slope and curvature, the back half can be more fulfilling than the front.
EX: Put my bag on a cart, I’m teeing off number 10 and playing the backside first.
BACKSPIN – (n) a backward rotating spin on an airborne golf ball.
It helps to make the ball climb and land softly, sometimes backing up on the green beyond its impact crater.
When they DO get the ball airborne, most chops yearn for the cool suck back action they see on TV. This wanting is generally ridiculous for chops rarely carry their approach pin high.
The majority of the time, the “action” that a chop has put on their golf ball is lateral sidespin, usually from either no clue of how to square the clubface and or a terrible swing path.
Check out this PC Suck Back Challenge!
EX: With all that headwind, maybe it was an 8 iron instead of a 9... but DID YOU SEE how much backspin I had when the ball came off the green?!
BACKSWING – (n) the backward part of the swing from the ground starting point until the club is over one’s head.
This is the best times to laugh at someone or make fun of them behind their back.
BAD ATTITUDE MANS - (n) the caddie or golfer who only sees half empty glasses.
Losers concentrate on empty, chipped, caked and stained glasses.
You must avoid these fools like the plague. If you get stuck working with or for one, talk to yourself.
EX: Sweet, I gotta loop today with Bad Attitude Man’s!
BAGADIX – (n) something that completely sucks.
The expression can be cleaned and shortened to simply just - a bag of ‘em.
There may not be a worse image in the world than a bag full a limp knobs.
Louis C.K. brilliantly used this term in his 2006 HBO “Shameless” special. Before this, many pour souls had all ready been belittled with this "suck a bag of ‘em" expression in our local caddie yard circa summer 2001:
EX: What, the outing isn’t a scramble?! God, they’re playing a shamble. Bagadix!
BALL – (n) a small sphere intended to be struck by a golf club and travel to a desired target (e.g. the fairway, the green, the golf hole)
From the feathery cube to the modern golf ball of today, the story remains the same: Chops never meet a golf ball they don’t like while good players never seem to lose them.
EX: With old balata balls, one could tell how well they were playing by simply inspecting their ball’s physical condition throughout the round.
BALL MARKER – (n) a coin or token used to mark the position of a player’s ball on the green.
Never carry one of these unless you are actually playing.
A dime or penny should suffice, anything more or less is either overpriced and or PC.
EX: Please move your ball marker over to the right, it’s in my line.
BALL RETRIEVER – (n) a pole with a scoop or contraption attached, used to retrieve balls from water hazards and other areas that a caddie cannot reach.
If a player is carrying one of these in their golf bag, DO NOT work for them.
If they spent their time fishing for $4 golf balls you can discern they are cheap and deserve neither your services nor time.
EX: When my player asked me to fetch his miniature ball retriever from inside his golf bag, I instantly knew I was working for an undercover chop.
BALL WASHER – (n) a device found on nearly every golf tee, supposedly for cleaning golf balls.
Perhaps nothing is more depresso than the reinforced, nylon, non absorbent golf towel attached to most public course ball washers. On second thought, when that disgusting throw away golf towel is both dirty and wet, hanging out of the back pocket of some old man golfer’s slouching trousers. Yes, that just may have kicked the level of depression to an even lower low.
EX: There is something sexy about a woman who likes stroking the ball washer.
BANDIT – (n) the British term for a sandbagger or a player who consciously underestimates his playing ability with a bloated handicap index.
(n) the type of chewing tobacco pouch utilized by the weakest of dipsters.
Usually hated and feared, their respect is a derivative of how charming their cheating tact is. These grinders are always clocking on how to garner an edge.
They are buzz saws in tournament play and can be spotted consciously and consistently missing inconsequential putts, throwing menial holes of unimportance.
EX: True bandits have a keen sense of when to turn their game on and off.
BASEBALL GRIP – (n) the style of holding the golf club with ten fingers on the grip. AKA - the 10-finger grip.
Favored by chops with no clue what they are doing, this the least recommended grip behind the overlap and interlock.
It was actually taught until Henry Vardon made everyone come to their senses. It may help midgets with small hands (maybe women) and players who seek to hit the ball shorter.
EX: On the first tee I knew he was a chop once he unveiled that baseball grip of his.
BEAT THE CADDIE– (n) a caddy's closest to the hole challenge.
Often utilized when working a group of corporate stiffs during a Monday outing. Usually this challenge and lack of professionalism is saved for the final par 3 of the day.
It helps to have some skill and at least hit the green. Be careful with what robots you pull this stunt on for it can backfire. If you have charisma and perform with class, it can help pull you more cash.
EX: I choked and forgot to ask my chops on 17 if they wanted to play beat the caddie.
BIB - (n) one type of caddie uniform. An apron-like, bulletproof vest that usually has some stuffy crest printed or sewn on it.
They tend to have handy pockets for smokes, dipsters, flasks, even dugouts. These pockets are never to be used for scorecards, pencils, tees, ball markers, divot tools, or any head covers you should've all ready stuffed into your chops' bags on the 1st tee.
EX: The new bibs are made of junk-u-lus polyurethane and wick sweat like a garbage bag.
BIRDIE – (n/v) a score of one stroke under par for a hole.
A famous looper and professional golfer was known to capture them with his hat.
¡Viva el Chi-Chi!
EX: She poured in another birdie to the dismay of her husband.
BITE – (n/int) backspin, derived from impact between a club and ball, causes a quick stop upon the golf ball’s landing.
Bad golfers love it when their balls bite on greens even if that means not making it pin high, hence they are chops.
EX: When golfers feel their ball may go beyond pin high, many times you’ll hear them exclaim “sit!” or “bite!”.
BLACK DICK - (n) a cigar.
Many people are made queasy by black D's, others crave them in their mouth.
They stink and in the wrong context, yanking one out can be very offensive.
Thousands of ridiculous inventions have been created in order to keep them dry while playing golf shots. Typically overpriced, a good Cuban and or Dominican handcrafted D has its place.
EX: Take that stinky black dick outside, you can’t suck 'em in the clubhouse.
BLADE– (n) term for forged metal irons
(v/adj) to hit the ball “thinly” or strike the golf ball below the sweet spot of the clubface.
If you blade the ball with a blade, especially on a cold day, there is possibly no worse pain in golf save being struck by a gold club and or ball directly.
EX: Most chops love the look of forged irons and though they may be experts at blading their attempted golf shots, they have no business rocking blades over easier to hit cast irons.
BLAST– (n) a type of shot produced out of a sand trap producing a large explosion of sand. AKA – explosion.
If you are preparing to hit one of these into the wind, make sure to close your eyes immediately upon contact for if not, temporary blindness may result.
EX: A well-executed blast shot results in the ball fluttering out of the sand trap and releasing towards the hole.
BLIND GREEN – (n) a green that cannot be seen from where the player is hitting.
It is both visible and invisible cheating by the course designer. It is impossible for a handicapped hack to have a fair chance when faced with one of these.
If you think they are bad when the target is in front of them, imagine how bad they will be when they cannot see the target?!
EX: The approach is made even more difficult due to the blind green 50 feet below the player's feet.
BLOCK – (n/v) a shot for a righty that starts right and stay right of the target. AKA – push or shove.
Like basketball, blocks are usually produced when someone makes a defensive move on the ball.
EX: I never shifted my weight to my left side, subsequently I blocked my shot to the right.
BOGEY – (n/v) a score of one stroke over par for the hole.
Average golfers should be satisfied with this score.
EX: He rode the bogey train 18 holes straight, for a score of 90.
BOOT - (adj) anything disgusting or grotesque.
(v) to vomit.
The soles of your rattiest shoes have probably never stepped on anything quite this gross.
EX: Fresh from partying all night, my player rolled his initial drive and then proceeded to boot it at the base of a large maple tree in the right rough.
BOOTJACK – (v) when caddies wait in the parking lot and hound players upon their arrival.
This is one of the goofier scumbag moves caddies pull when things are slow. Never succumb to this level unless you aspire to loop-4-life.
EX: I’d rather rot in this caddieyard than cross my caddy-mates by bootjacking loopage.
BOUNCE – (n) the angle measurement from the front of a golf club’s sole to the point resting on the ground at address.
Sand and lob wedges usually have the largest bounces and are designed to help golfers blast golf shots out of bunkers. Clubs with large bounces also seem to produce some of the hottest skull shots known to mankind as well as some the biggest divots ever unearthed.
EX: One of the scariest golf shots is to have a tight lie on hardpan, a lob wedge with extreme high bounce, and a large gallery of unconscious onlookers behind your intended target.
BREAK – (n/v) the curve on the roll of a golf ball.
Uneven surfaces, grass grains, wind, how hard a ball is struck... all produce curvature in the roll of a ball.
EX: One thing is certain about golf, there is no such thing as a straight putt, every roll of the ball has some sort of break to it.
BULLARD – (n) always playing worse than your handicap index purports.
It is basically the opposite of sandbagging or being a bandit. This is the direct reflection of a golfing ego run a mock.
Players who carry fantasyland egocaps are easy to spot.
If the option is available, place any bet you can against them.
EX: Bullarders stand to lose all their earthly possessions when paired against a true golf hustler.
BUMP AND RUN – (n/v) a low trajectory golf shot which bounces and rolls it’s way onto the green, similar to a chip shot but made from a longer distance.
This is an old school shot that has all but disappeared thanks to golf course over-watering and the never-ending desire to have a golf course emerald green (even if the golf course is located in the desert).
You’ll still see the bump and run played effectively on links courses where success invariably calls for the mastering of this type of golf shot.
The following video has little to do with the bump and run shot, but does have some interesting computer generated imagery and hot chicks with British accents. Enjoy:
EX: In order to win the British Open at St. Andrew’s, most professionals will practice the bump and run shot prior to competition.
BUNKER – (n) a depression most golfers seek to avoid.
It is also referred to as a hazard. All chops should avoid them to the N'th degree.
EX: As if bunkers aren’t difficult enough, the frail woman found her golf ball fried egged on a downhill lie.
Read more Caddy Dictionary, Golf Terms, and Looper Lingo!
