10 RULES OF A GOLF CADDY
1) Learn the games of sabotage, shuck/jive, poker, blackjack, cloak and dagger.
For instance, if any hack shows up with more than 14 clubs you must utilize all forms of cunning to avoid working that bag.
2) Have an inkling where your player's ball is, at times.
Learn how to BS the path you walk, many times players will find their balls for you.
3) Replace divots but only if time allows.
If the golf club you caddy at calls for sanding divots, forget it. The carts will be a-moving. In such a setup, you got no time for divots.
4) Avoid raking bunkers so long as it will not come back to haunt you.
Rake on the PGA - fake in mixed play!
5) Stay ahead of and or tuck behind your players.
This will depend upon which extra-caddicular activities you are partaking in. Do what it takes to keep all their forced cookie cutter conversations at bay.
6) Be extremely careful around and on putting greens.
Never offer advice. Memorize only the 1st green and be sure you offer your players inept advice from the onset of the round. Train them to never seek your golfing counsel again.
7) Learn how to eye or use a range finder for yardage.
If the club does not allow range finders, cite yardage by eye. Doing this will save you miles of aimless wanderings.
8) Handle only the player's bags worth the trouble ($$$).
You must avoid any and every cheap player at all costs!
9) Don't ever get caught touching a live golf ball in play.
Foot wedges can earn firings, but not touching golf balls in play can be also death, use your head and be careful. Always remember caddies -> infinite denial = your defense infinitely.
10) Always stay 2 maneuvers ahead.
Do as little work as possible, speak in CaddyDigest caddy lingo. If you ever do make a mistake, never admit to it!
Bonus Rule Made to be Broken:
Show up, Keep up, Shut up
Remember to arrive at the last possible second.
See rule 5 about keeping up with your group.
Stay soft-spoken at least within earshot of the assho*es you are coerced into caddying for.
As for when you are away, say whatever you feel like, they can't stop you!